I am scared for you to see it
I am scared for you to see me
I am scared to see myself
I am scared that it’s bad
I am scared that it’s horrible
I am scared that I have no idea what I’m doing
I am scared of failing.
I am scared of the words that escape my mind sometimes
I am scared that I feel certain things
I am scared that I think certain things
I am scared of the depths of my brain and discovering the places within it that I have never gone.
I am scared that what I write will hurt the wrong people
I am scared that what I write will hurt myself
I am scared to reveal all of the things that are deep inside of me
I am scared of the words and the thoughts and the experiences and the past that I push down deep inside even though it begs to come out.
I am scared to let all of that out
I am scared that I never will.
But what I am scared of the most is my fear
Because what if I never do it?
What if I never put words on a page?
What if I never hear my own voice?
And what if no one else does either?
I am scared.
That has not changed and probably won’t ever.
I can pretend that a shiny new book deal will make it all go away but in my heart, I know it never will.
But the fear of not doing is greater than the fear of doing.
So I just have to sit down and do it anyways.
I have no words of wisdom for you.
I have no shred of advice or answers or motivation.
As I am writing this now, I am scared.
So I write and I write and I write
And then I close my eyes
And I release it out into the world
And I never look back.